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| So, I doubt anyone reads this anymore, but if you do, or if you stumble upon this page and care to read more, I have moved over to www.toryharrington.tumblr.com
Farewell Xangites.
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| I am sure I have used this title before, but it is intentional, speaking to the repetition of themes in my life.
I am upset, angry, bitter, and feeling self-pity. There is, as per usual, a girl involved. But the point is not really about her, it is about my pride once again being hurt. Once again being told (implicitly this time) that I am not good enough, and feeling quite pathetic and worthless and having it all pile on. I am praying that God would harden my heart towards her, towards everyone and everything other than Him. I need this rock solid focus. I need that foundation, because lately I am swaying and faltering under depression that keeps trying to cast my vision elsewhere at all I do not have and can not or will not do or have not done. But the one constant I try to grab hold of and keep focused on is Christ, that no matter what I still have Him, and it has nothing to do with me; with what I have done or possess. Sadly, there are days that I lose sight even of this, or far worse, wish I had these other things more. Times I almost wish I did not have the knowledge of Christ I do, so that I could live in sin and revel in it, not knowing or caring. These thoughts shame me greatly, but they are there. I don't know, things just seem out of whack. But I trust the Lord. I know He loves me and will not let me fall. And I know that all of this, everything I do not have and have not done is working together for good. I do not know how, and this annoys me, but I have faith and right now that is all I have to stand on. Thankfully I am sure this is enough.
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| Sometimes life comes along and, for lack of a better, gentler term, kicks you in the crotch. This is a regular occurrence in my life. But on to other things, which might just be really relevant...
Idolatry. When something else takes the place of God. This is the root of all sin. We take something that is not God, which is less than Him, and elevate it to the supreme place of desire that ought only be for God. What is interesting is that we, in this act, rearrange our whole life. We make this thing, our idol, into our new savior. We will call our idol X. In my life X becomes an idol. Now, to not have X becomes my hell. And in my twisted mind, to have X is my heaven. Therefore, the only thing that saves me from 'hell' and brings me to 'heaven' is X. Let's put a value in for X. Maybe it is money, maybe it is power, maybe love, a friendship, a relationship. Maybe it is knowledge. It does not have to be a bad thing. It can be something that is good. But these things are not meant to be, and cannot be our savior. And if we try to make them that they crumble under such a heavy burden.
C.S. Lewis wrote something like (I am too lazy to find the real quote): the best way to disarm a passion be it lust or anger or any other, is to examine the passion itself over the object. This means that we recognize what is happening, see it for what it is, a rearranging of our priorities and of our entire life to make something false a god, and to make God something less than He is. It is a sobering fact to realize how prevalent this is. This is the only reason I can think of why I do not have joy experienced in my life at all times. Things depress me....quite often actually. Why? Because something God has gifted me with, some blessing, has brought me a taste of joy. And this pleasure, and the desire for it again, this created thing takes God's place, it becomes my savior. It happens all the time. And I hate it.
Sin is robbing my life of joy and yet I find myself falling over it again and again trying to piece things back together. I look in the wrong place and know it will be empty. I am that foolish., I am that sinful by nature. And thank God that through Christ I can find joy. And thank God that one day I will die and this world with all its pain will pass away and my joy will be complete.
God save me. Be the center of my life again and always. Let no passion or pursuit steal my focus. Jesus you are my one and only true savior and I love you.
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| It is one of the saddest facts of my existence. Human contact. This unquenchable desire for contact, for love, for anything passing as interaction on more than anonymous levels. It is, in the end, so sad that for all that desire, for all the realization of that truth, that need, that I am paralyzed by fear. It is, to say the least, pathetic, while at the same time it seems so natural. And more and more I feel that this sickness, this desire, is what leads me to act in almost every good and evil way.
It is this that drives the pit of my stomach to feel ill every time my phone rings or alerts me of a text.
It is here that my desire to check my e-mail and Facebook every hour originates.
It is here that I equate these forms of contact with honest affection, the lack of them making me feel unloved.
It is for this reason I avoid human contact, few hugs, pensive to even place a guiding hand.
It is draining.
And in this age where contact is becoming so divorced from the actual body, where I can hear from someone through various mediums other than actual interaction, I fear that these truths are pushing this deeper. We desire interaction, contact, affection. But we get texts, emoticons, and, if we are lucky, a disembodied voice left in answer to our own. And as these "interactions" become more frequent they replace the normal humanity we crave. This, I fear, is slowly draining and strangling the soul.
We live in an age of falsity. With the click of a button we can find anything we want, from the mundane and normal, to some exotic fantasy that could not exist in realms of reality. We allow ourselves to be separated even more. We embrace it. It is as though we get a paper cut and decide the only rational thing to do is jab a knife in the wound, then a bigger one, and eventually it would be abnormal not to bleed.
We are bleeding humanity.
Or maybe it is just me, sitting in the glow of some computer screen commiserating with the keyboard thoughts I probably would not be able, or more likely willing, to articulate to more than perhaps one or two human beings. Having just checked Facebook and Gmail and been saddened to find nothing new. Maybe I am the only one who finds this capable of crushing the soul if we let it. Or maybe I just have not accepted this new way of doing things and am naive enough to remember, fondly even, the days when things were more comlicated but real.
I know there is a middle ground. Embracing technology or what it is and using it as a suppliment, not a replacement. And perhaps this is all just an exposure of my weakness, cowardice, and overall pathetic nature. Whatever it is, there is a cure out there.
Maybe all I need is a hug.
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| Too much to write much about tonight. Life is odd. North Carolina last week. It was really good. I was convicted of a lot, especially involving idolatry and how rampant it is in my life. Also, my passion for missions full time was rekindled. I can't believe that a year ago I was in Turkey. I realized a few weeks ago as I was driving home that I am 22 years old and will be 23 in January. This freaked me out to a point I could hardly breathe and speak straight. And if the Red Wings don't win game 7 I may need to drink away the pain from that for about a year.
So yeah, stuff has been going on.
I will expand on some of this later. Right now, I don't know, I just need to do something else.
Oh yeah, and my softball team got murdered tonight, but I think I did pretty well, so okay.
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